This article from Charlie Badenhop nicely illustrates one of the fundamental aspects of NLP, which is that we think about things in different ways based on or sensory preferences.
What do you think draws you to some people, while keeping you separate from others? Would you be surprised if I told you it might have to do with the way you learn?
I had a couple see me for counseling a number of years ago.
The wife was dressed quite stylishly and exuded a strong presence the moment she walked in the room.
Her husband on the other hand was dressed quite casually and I wasn’t sure if he had combed his hair since getting up. He had earphones on and was still listening to music as he entered my office.
The “problem” they presented was - after five years of marriage, they were both feeling they didn’t have much in common, which included liking very different leisure activities.
The clearest statement the wife made about her model of the world was, “Beauty and order gives me a sense of both exhilaration and serenity, a feeling that all is well.”
The husband, who was a voice coach, said that “Listening to good music is one of my greatest pleasures in life. Music is the language of the gods.”
After watching and listening, I realized they were very much the same in their common interest and appreciation for “beauty”. It was how they went about appreciating and expressing “beauty” that created their seeming “problem”. The wife loved graphic art and fashion, the husband loved symphony music and jazz. In a classroom they would almost certainly exhibit different learning styles. The husband would likely be content listening to a lecture, while the wife would likely prefer slides, graphs, and other visual stimuli. Why is this? Because the sensory experiences of everyday life you are most drawn to, are the sensory experiences that will best help you to learn. Makes a good deal of sense doesn’t it?
As it often does, “luck” played a part in my work with this couple. In between sessions I saw an article about an upcoming show at a gallery that involved a live interaction between a video artist and a jazz pianist. The video artist flashed images on a large screen in “conversation” with the improvisations by the pianist. I suggested they attend the performance, and report back to me on their experience.
Can you guess what happened? The husband loved the music and had little memory of the video graphics. The wife was just the opposite! The good news is they both enjoyed themselves immensely, which was an important change for the both of them.
Over the course of time, I taught them how to expand their common love of beauty, by discovering in the world of their partner, aspects of beauty they had been failing to notice. One method we used was this: I had the wife list what led her to experience “beauty” in the visual realm. She came up with terms like “majestic”, “bold” and “the tension between symmetry and asymmetry.” I then had the husband share with his wife, music he liked that he felt had these same qualities. Later we reversed the process. The husband made his list and the wife found corresponding visual art. It was gratifying to see how they rediscovered their appreciation and love for each other as they found “beauty” in the realm of their partner.
There was one more experience I suggested they share with each other at home - taking turns expressing “beautiful touching” with each other. This turned out to be the icing on the cake, as they both once again experienced how their partner truly added to the richness of their life.
(c) Charlie Badenhop, 2006. About the author: Charlie Badenhop is the originator of Seishindo, an Aikido instructor, NLP trainer, and Ericksonian Hypnotherapist. Benefit from Charlie’s thought-provoking ideas and various self-help Practices, by subscribing to his complimentary newsletter “Pure Heart, Simple Mind” at https://www.seishindo.org/_self_hypnosis_index.html
