- Relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc
- conditioned or determined by something else; contingent;
- subordinate; subject: a dependent territory.
I’ve been avoiding sending some business letters for the past couple of weeks, and I couldn’t figure out why. I want what the new business may provide, and I have no problems offering what I’m offering. I’d drafted the letters, they were ready to print and send. So what’s been the hold up? Why did I keep putting off sending them?
I was mulling this over in a coffee shop (a good place to avoid sending the letters), when the thought went through my mind that I would be dependent on what the recipient did when they got the letters.
There was something not quite right about that thought. In fact there were two things not quite right with it!
The first problem: The problem with being/feeling dependent on someone is that you put yourself at their beck and call. Your actions are dependent on what they do. I hadn’t realised that, below the surface, I was feeling dependent on them and their responses.
Logically, I wouldn’t be dependent on any of them. They can choose to go along with what I’m offering or not, there are lots of other people for me to approach. But logic doesn’t often run the show!
Realising the power of the feeling of being dependent led me to think of the second problem.
The second problem: The one that had me (metaphorically) slapping my forehead was the realisation that since I felt I would depend on them, I was resisting the deal by my delaying tactics.
I spent my late adolescence and early adulthood establishing my independence. Having flown the nest, freedom felt good; I cultivated and guarded it. I valued, and still value, my independence of thought and action very highly.
Thinking about entering into a business relationship where I would feel dependent at some level provoked an unconcious fear that I would be giving up some of my independence. So I got an equally unconcious resistance to going for a deal which would reduce my independence. I wasn’t aware of this, all I noticed was a deep reluctance to send the letters.
contacting clients … means … becoming dependent
… means … loosing my independence
… therefore: avoid contacting clients to protect independence
Logically, making business connections has nothing to do with restricting my independence. On the contrary, it would probably increase my independence by boosting my income. The unconcious association with dependence, and the avoidance response was holding me back.
The trouble with these unconcious patterns is that they are very hard to spot in yourself. They are so ingrained that this is ‘just the way it is’. However once spotted they are easy to change, I was able to use EFT to quickly tap out this unhelpful pattern.
The simple solution: I went through each of the recipients of the letters and did a few rounds of EFT using the following setup statements.
- Even though I feel dependent on X …..
- Even though I feel dependent on Y ….
- Even though I feel dependent on Z …
- Even though I feel dependent on … (there were a few of these!)
- Even though I am dependent …
Having removed the charge on each of these statements, the chain of beliefs no longer had any power. I cheerfully printed and posted the letters.
Now I’m checking on any dependent feelings on any of the work or personal tasks that I just can’t seem to get around to. Just in case there are a few examples of these blocks lying around in my psyche.
Maybe this particular mental knot is peculiar to me. However, it could be slowing you down. If independence is important to you and there’s some deal or process that you seem reluctant to get started, try this.
Say out loud:
“I’m dependent on X”
“If I’m dependent on X then I will loose my independence”.
(Substitute a person or situation for X).
Does that sound or feel true? If so, you may have a dependency to clear up. Start tapping.
If not, good for you!
Even if it’s only me, I’m very happy to have untied this particular knot.
P.S. If you don’t know about EFT, visit Gary Craig’s website. If you live in the Tyneside area and would like to learn how to use EFT for your own issues, I’m running a EFT Level 1 Course on September 30th in Newcastle upon Tyne