In this short and powerful video John Gottman describes the sure-fire attitudes and behaviours that mess up personal relationships.
In many years of research about the “masters” and “disasters” of relationships he’s identified four ways not to handle the stresses and strains of being in relationship.
In the video Dr Gottman describes these behaviours and their effects, including: contempt is the best predictor of divorce and being on the receiving end of contempt is a predictor for the number of infectious illnesses they will experience in the next four years.
It’s a sobering and funny video that is well worth watching.
Many people struggle to accept themselves, some people even hate themselves.
In their eyes they don’t have a problem, they are the problem.
In my work with these people I work with three aspects of self-hate.
Unhelpful identity beliefs
Internal identity conflicts
The aim of this work is to
retrain or retire inner critics
dissolve unhelpful identity beliefs
to resolve the internal conflicts between our different identities
Retraining or Retiring The Inner Critic
Most people are familiar with an inner critic, a voice in our mind that comments, blames, criticises what we think, say and do. Sometimes this criticism can be just a background irritation, sometimes it can be a crippling diatribe against you.
If you listen carefully to what they say, these inner critics generally speak / curse / shout at you in the third person:
How could you be so stupid!
What is wrong with you!
The inner critic is an internalisation of an outer critic. Part of us has taken on the role of the critical other and now runs the “critic program” in our head, even if the original author of that criticism is long gone, or even long dead.
Having an inner critic is not fun, what they say is often unhelpful and how they say it is often very stressful and debilitating for us. It’s easy to understand why people would want to get rid of their inner critics, but getting rid of an inner critic may be a mistake.
In this month’s EFT Café Andy Hunt will demonstrate a technique for reducing self-judgemental attitudes, reduce should-ing on yourself and increase self-acceptance and compassion.
A few years ago EFT Master Gwyneth Moss invented the tapping routine “About, To, As If” to help ease difficult interpersonal relationships.
It allows you to tap through layers of difficult responses, judgements, unspoken thoughts towards that other person and develop a more empathic understanding of them.
“Reflexive Tapping” is a variation on that process which uses EFT to work on the judgements we have against ourselves, reduce the should-ing on ourselves that we do, ease our internal communications, leading to greater flexibility and more self-acceptance.
Andy Hunt will be demonstrating Reflexive Tapping at this months EFT Cafe on Wednesday March 13th.
The EFT Cafe takes place at St Oswald’s Hospice Teaching Centre, Gosforth, Newcastle upon Tyne, NE3 1EE from 7pm-9pm and costs just £10.